At that morning my wife, Jacqueline and I went to the mall in our hometown to buy a birthday present for her. At homecoming I started peeling the potatoes. Simply light work. But for me this was exactly the drop, how I collapsed physically and nothing more was possible. Exactly at that moment an acquaintance of us came at the door. We came on her mind and she wants to deliver a carpet. She obeyed her prompting and came at the correct time. She looked at me and recognizes a burn-out from her own experience; she told me that I physically had collapsed and have to stop all activities to take much rest. My body has no choice than to obey. Every small effort was too much, so I could only lie down, I felt very tired. I thought that after taking a week rest I was healed. I underestimated the illness! The feeling of exhaustion remained. On the anniversary of Jacqueline was even an empty plate still too heavy for me to bring to the kitchen. The walk from the chair to the kitchen felt like running the marathon. I knew, there was something well wrong with me and I wasn’t able to go to the physician.

One afternoon I called my physician during his telephone office- hours. He listened to my complaints and confirmed that my body had collapsed. He advised me to walk each day for 30 minutes; afterwards I was so tired that I had to lie down a whole day. Go for a walk was necessary to regain energy. I thought: “Oh, when I do my exercises, I am restored within in a month.” But that was also a wrong thought. Living existed for me from: each day lie on bed, stare to the ceiling and in the evenings go for a walk for 30 minutes. A 30 minutes walks look like crawling, because I was “paralyzed” by the collapse. I “crept” from half tiled floor to the next half tiled floor.

Every step was painful. My entire body felt painful after a walk. Besides painful muscles, I was dizzy, burden of hyperventilation, and lots of tensions everywhere. Although painful, I kept walking for 30 minutes. Afterwards I was exhausted. I looked forward to the walk of the next day, so I could go outside again. How tough my evening-walks even were, I continued persevere, because I felt that my energy grew little by little.

I had also sleeping problems. They were times so bad, that I had not slept all night, or just for one hour. How was that? My body was hypersensitive and the stress hormones were combined. I was a tiny bit annoyed about the thought of a sleepless night again. How well the opinions of some people were: it did not help. One says: “drink warm milk with an aspirin before going to sleep” The other says: “take a sleeping pill, or drink chamomile tea.” “Take medication on natural basis,” says another. Books about sleep and relaxation exercises also didn’t help. Because I was so exhausted after sleepless nights, the doctor visited me. I hardly could say a word. So he wrote me good medication to relax and to sleep. The sleeping problems were not solved. I was glad when I had a 2 hours sleep. Fortunately I could call my pastoral counselor in the nights. After the conversations with him and accepting the sleeping problems, the prescribed medications started to work better and I got more sleep during the night. And by more sleep, I had something more energy during daytime for my 30 minutes walk. Walking up and off a pavement felt like walking on a mountain. How slowly I walked on a flat surface, the better. Although the wind was soft, I also walked little steps, to prevent rapid exhaustion. And if had a cold, I had to be more careful. I remember my first cold I continued walked, how dizzy I was, to make those 30 minutes full. The result was that I, by acidification in my legs (muscles) only could walk 3 minutes per day. After some time I could jerky very quiet building and walk another 30 minutes. Just build more minutes wasn’t succeeded. Lots of time and patience is required. Oh, and you always have those people with so-called good council. One said: “If you could not walk, you should try biking.” But that doesn’t succeed at all. After a few minutes biking I could walk less. Another said: “You must work at home and build it up slowly. Wash 1 cup today and 2 or 3 tomorrow.” That doesn’t work also! From turning a small screw in a soft wall, afterwards I had to lie down a whole day! The recovery was not as fast, but the people around you expect it. They come with nonsensical advice which you as soon as possible will be restored. I decided to follow the good advice of my counselor, not to listen to their advices, which turned out successfully. People who never had a burn-out supposedly know so well how to be restored. But their opinions provide precisely the opposite: degradation, further destruction, back layers. No, it is best to close your ears to all these voices.

After a while, a new physical disease started. I got a lot of pain in my gut. Eating and drinking caused even more pain. Each bite was like a block stone in my belly. My physician prescribed medication, but they didn’t work. He wrote another medication, but this also didn’t work. What a frustration. As the pain didn’t pass, my sister drove me to the doctor. After our conversation he sends me directly to the hospital for some blood research. I didn’t like this at all. I asked myself whether I had enough energy. But to know what’s going on and to exclude other ailments, you undergo the research. So… “hop” in the car and my sister brought me to the hospital. Fortunately she parked the car not too far from the entrance, so I don’t have to walk far. Not far? Then once we arrived, a rebuilding was going on. It’s not a short way, but a “tourist” route I had to walk. I “crept” slowly by the course to the department where we should be. When I signed in, I was told that I needed a punch card. But I didn’t have one. I told that my physician told me it wasn’t necessary. The assistant ask me to make one. “But I don’t have the energy to walk back again.” Fortunately my wife, which was also with me could get a pass for me and took a wheelchair for me, for the return. At last I could be helped. I thought it was only one tube, but they needed several. And so, as once the blood is drained, the rest goes automatically. Ahem! A few days later I got the rash! My blood was clean. What a relief. The doctor told me that my pain is mental and he advised me to talk more with my pastoral counselor. That was the very best advice. After several conversations day and night, my pain disappeared! The solution was closer than I thought. Every time the pain came back, I called him and the pain was gone. Talking and writing what’s troubled me helped me to heal. Sometimes I could only write one sentence and other times some more. I wrote down my feelings as relieve of my mental depression. As for the recovery of my body, I notice an improvement, even though very, very slowly. Daily seen, I saw little or no progress. But as I looked back at the past half year, there were improvements… Oh, there is still so much to write, but what I wrote, was to tell you that I understand your feelings and pains you’re in right now. I personally know your feelings. I want to help you.

Don’t forget: Do not despair, if your road to recovery takes longer than you expect! You will be healed if you choose the right way!

(c) Sieberen Voordewind

(Translated by: Winny Hallatu)